I Run HW!
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: It has come to Dumbledore's attention that several cliques at school have claimed that they run Hogwarts. Therefore, he writes a song about how things are really like. Based on I Run NY by The Lonely Island feat. Billie Joe Armstrong.


Minerva McGonagall cleared her throat, coughing a few times as she took to the center of the stage that put the Staff Table at a higher altitude than the house tables, so that the faculty could see all of them. It was also there because the Great Hall used to be the castle's auditorium and theater.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts," she said, gesturing towards the long bearded man who took a few steps forward to place himself in front of Minerva. He also held his wand in front of his face, before tapping it with one of his long fingers. The sound of the soft tap resounded throught the hall, showing that there was indeed a charm on it to increase the volume of his voice.

"Good morning. It has been brought to my attention that many cliques have formed in this school, and several of them claim that they run Hogwarts, but this is not the case. In fact, I wrote my own song about what it's really like. Please excuse any harsh language in advance," he said, adjusting his robes. Then he gestured towards the wall behind him, which flickered and then disappeared, revealing an entire orchestra of house elves.

The staff quickly cleared their table, and it disappeared, leaving the stage alone for Dumbledore's use. Only Filius Flitwick was left behind, with his hands linked behind his back as he stared hard at Dumbledore. Both of them nodded at each other.

"Hit it!" commanded Flitwick.

"ALRIGHT HOGWARTS!" yelled Dumbledore, all of a sudden, as the tables vanished with a wave of power, which was a mere flexing of Dumbledore's magical muscle.

"Hoggy warts, castle of dreams, and you know he runs this town!" Flitwick began, pulling out his own wand from behind and speaking into it.

"I RUN IT!" agreed Dumbledore.

"The king of the halls, dressed in neon robes, towers on his crown!" Flitwick said, gesturing grandly at the space between tables.

"I'm THE KING!" agreed Dumbledore, nodding at everyone who cheered with him.

"So if you want this big castle, come here to take a bite!" said Flitwick, pointing at his behind with his off hand.

"FILIUS!" yelled McGonagall, scandalized, but the half goblin merely shrugged, it was in the sheeth Dumbledore gave him.

"'Cause he runs this motherhumping castle and he won't give it up without a fight!" continued the short man, proceeding to ignore McGonagall's scandalized scowl or the snickers from many of the younger students.

Dumbledore suddenly took a few steps forward and his robes transfigured themselves into a night sky to match the ceiling, blowing and billowing as he walked. "Yo I run Hog~warts and it's a pain in my behind! The dorms be crowded and Filch is swimming in trash!" explained Dumbledore, offering a slightly reproachful glare towards the Gryffindor table, where a certain pair of pranksters rubbed the backs of their heads in embarrassment at being singled out, while their friends merely shook their heads. "The sanitation chief just shoved his doody in my face; another transit problem? Aw, ruddy great!"

"ALBUS! What the-" McGonagall tried once again, but Dumbledore stomped his foot on a stool that he'd raised by transfiguring the groun below him.

"I can't wait, to have another meeting with the board and unions, so the mob can bend me over and then shove their bloody shoe in!" here, he directed his eyes at the places where the descendants of those in the board of governors and those whose parents belonged to guilds. "So I do it, so you can sip your punpkin juice, I literally run Hog~Warts and it's exhausting!"

Filius Flitwick then appeared with the crack of apparation, a charm on the spot below him creating a powerful wind that gave his robes a cool billowy effect while at the same time serving to cool him down. "He runs Hogwarts, it's a bloody headache, it really wears you down!"

"IT SUCKS!" admitted Dumbledore, yelling into his wand.

"In this lake of bureaucratic bullshit, it's a miracle we don't drown!"

"That wasn't in the lyrics, but good improv!" said Dumbledore, nodding as he swept his hands in the air, causing the stars to grow brighter and more focused, but putting out the torches and candelabra that had given Hogwarts' Great Hall its lighting, leaving a very dark ambient that was still tasteful. "I literally run Hogwarts! I run in the marathon, plus I organized it so I double run the marathon!"

"Marathon?" asked a perplexed student.

"He's talking about the great broom races we organize every ten years or so," replied a seventh year prefect.

"But no one seems to give a damn that I'm a paragon! Instead they bash me so it looks like I am a barmy old fog!" he said, shaking his head, glaring at the far distance. "And then they laugh at it in my own office when I'm gone!"

Most of the teachers looked genuinelly guilty at this, some tugging at the collar of their robes and others blushing slightly.

"I went to the Harpies' game and they booed me on the Omniview!" said the old man, shaking his head, "well excuse me, for trying to help you; they won't be satisfied until I'm locked up in with Gellert-poo!"

There were many who were confused by that line, but lost as they were in cheering at Dumbledore's rather crazy rhymes, swaying and moving as if two people were struggling over a blanket. It was quite a sight to see.

"I guess they don't tell you, this job can suck a dick! I run Hog~Warts and it feels like shite!"

"ALBUS!" yelled McGonagall, "what the blood buggering hell!?"

Then she blushed and decided to shut up as the students all gaped at her, even the music had stopped, and Dumbledore was picking up his jaw from the ground, where it'd hit from the shock at her.

Flitwick rushed forward. "The Chief of Aurors is a major bully, he laughs at our ideas!"

"HE'S A JERK!" commented McGonagall, finally finding something that she agreed with.

"He made fun of my tie last week and I had to fight back tears!" There was a school-wide gasp, as Flitwick was so well liked that being a dick to him was considered a dick move even by standard dicks.

"Now on the surface it probably seems like I shold quit, 'cause I spend every day getting punched in my dick!" explained Dumbledore, as he gestured towards his crotch.

"But at night, I travel down into the sewer, wearing chainmal, locked and loaded for spell play!" yelled Albus, clearly enthusiastic about what he explained. "I batle the gigantic fire-breathing mutant rats! If I were to quit, who the heck would do that!?" he asked, though he discreetly gestured towards McGonagall.

"Aye!" agreed the scottish teacher, for she was the one who usually went with him. The rats were extremely resistant to spells, but transfigurated weapons cut through them just the same as anything else.

"I'll give you a hint: The answer is no one," and it was also true, McGonagall just wanted to bring their tunnels down on the rats, "that's why I'm in the sewer dressed up like a hobbit, because on the equinox, a Hell Gate springs, releasing hounds wreathed in the blood of kings!" he explained, as everyone shivered.

Except Hagrid. Hagrid smiled as wide as wide could be. He wanted some of those rats to raise, but he would never pass a hellhound.

"And no one even knows, they just think that I'm a dork! But I'll kill those creepy dogs, because..."

There was an instant of silence.

"I RUN HOG~WARTS!"

"He runs Hoggy Warts and it's a shitty gig! There's no overtime in his pay,"

"BULLSHIT!" cried Dumbledore, clearly angry at his salary.

"We asked the governors for a goddman bonus and they said 'No Fucking Way!'"

"UNREAL!" yelled McGonagall, now going with the flow.

"So rotten is this big castle, it's crawling with worms inside!"

"COME ON!" chorused McGonagall and Dumbledore.

"But we run this motherfucking shithole castle, and it makes me wanna die!" finished Flitwick, as Dumbledore jumped into the air, his wand in hand, as he dived into the crowd of excited students.

All together, "WE RUN HOG~WARTS!", they chorused, and then threw Dumbledore back onto the stage. "I RUN HOG~WARTS!" he repeated, as the music continued, the elves letting it wind down as Albus began to pant, clearly tired, before suddenly composing himself. "Thank you," he said, nodding at the students, before he turned around and left.

The Hat was angry that Dumbledore stole its thunder.


End file.
